Ways to Annoy
by Forbidden1991
Summary: 101 Ways to Annoy the Harry Potter Characters. Ch 1. Voldemort
1. Chapter 1: 101 Ways to Annoy Voldemort

As a Christmas gift for you guys I have decided to do this! Ways to Annoy Voldemort. If you want me to do some for other people let me know, and I will dedicate it to the person who asked for it!

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><p>1. Ask him to smell something for you<p>

2. Ask him if he is secretly a girl.

3. Ask him why he "doesn't have such a cool scar?"

4. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.

6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

7. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

8. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

9. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'

10. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.

11. When he tries to impress you with his powers say "I've Seen Better"

12. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

13. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

14. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? Whats that, a washing detergent?'

15. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

16. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

17. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...

18. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

him 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

20. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

21. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

22. In these announcements, present him to the Death Eaters then say that he has a butt trumpet as you do the actions then tell him 'Who Looks Stupid Now! You Do! (Inspired by AVPS/A Very Potter Sequel)

23. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!' and make sure there us a crocodile underneath him for when he fails

24. Get the song 'I'm a Barbie Girl' stuck in his head.

25. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'

26. Buy him a stress ball.

27. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

28. Call him Tommy-boy.

29. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

30. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

31. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

32. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'I feel Pretty'

33. Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.

34. Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party.

35. Tell him what Snape's really up to.

36. Politely exclaim now and again that you 'don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles'

37. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'

38. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.

39. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

40. Tell him you know this great therapist in London... And hint that the man's last name is "Potter"

41. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.

42. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

43. Tell him Lucius did it.

44. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

45. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

46. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

47. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'

48. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling' and 'Cinderella' (replace the shoe with a diadem)

49. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

50. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'

51. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

52. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

53. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

54. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.

55. Cuddle him at random moments.

56. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.

57. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

58. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie/corny'

59. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

60. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

61. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

62. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'

63. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak'.

64. Mock his baldness.

65. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')

67. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah'

68. Let him catch you trying on Death-Eater robes.

69. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'

70. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.

71. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.

72. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.

73. ..at Christmas.

74. Make him dance in the rain with you.

75. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.

76. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.

77. ..even though he's bald.

78. Be offended by everything he says.

79. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.

80. Kill Harry.

81. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.

82. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.

83. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.

84. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.

85. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!"

86. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.

87. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.

88. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.

89. Be Harry. Be Alive.

90. Polietly exclaim now and then why you don't know how he can be so afraid of 'Dear Ol Dumbles.'

91. Exclaim that you never knew he was related to Umbridge (AVPS reference)

92. Whenever something goes wrong tell him Lucius did it.

93. Ask him to play 'Harry Says' with you and make one of the actions as 'Harry Says touch your nose'.

94. Tell him Snape was never his and that he was Dumbles.

95. Give Potter Watch full information/locations on his Horcruxs and guides on how to get them.

96. Throw him a Unicorn theme party and tell him 'You are what you eat.'

97. When he tells you that he is 'Lord Voldemort' tell the audience 'And You are Watching The Disney Channel.'

98. Tell him that Harry Destroyed his Zefron Poster. (AVPM)

99. Adress him as Boldy Voldy and claim yourself to be Harry's second largest fan after Voldy of course.

100. Dress like Harry Potter and sing 'Can't Touch This' as you dance around him.

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><p>I hope that put a smile on your face this holidays and Remember leave a character that you want me todo this for and I will dedicate it to you. :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2: 100 Ways to Annoy Lockhart

100 Ways to Annoy Gildory Lockhart. This chapter is dedicated to _OliviaKatetheGreat _who requested I do him. Enjoy hon ;)

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><p>1. Knock out all his teeth.<p>

2. Tell him Lilac isn't his colour.

3. Doodle in every copy of his books you can get your hands on.

4. Turn all his robes black.

5. Tell him that he is ugly.

6. Break his curling iron.

7. Tell him Snape is the sexiest man you ever laid eyes on. (Quite True (; )

8. Say his au de cologne smells like dung.

9. Give all his portraits fake moustaches and devil horns.

10. Imprison him in one of the greenhouses that's filled with fully grown mandrakes and forget to give him the pink earmuffs!

11. Transfigure him into a pillow/cushion and let Hagrid sit on it.

12. Transfigure him into a matching pillow/cushion set to go with Slughorn's transfigured couch. ;)

13. Dye his hair black and give him a Snape-styled haircut.

14. Lock him in a room with Snape. ;)

15. Ask him if he's gay for Albus.

16. Steal his pink silk boxers and matching bra set. ;) (He likes to feel pretty!)

17. Hide Harry from him.

18. Poison him, very easy if your good at potions and if not I'm sure our favorite greasy Potions Master would be willin to help.

19. Send an interview to Rita Skeeter that states Lockhart is gay and is going to marry Argus Filch.

20. Send this exclusive interview to the other magazines (Witch Weekly, The Quibbler, Playwizard/Playwitch).

21. During Breakfast/Luch/Dinner yell out that you found his teddy; Mr. Harry (Booboo) Bear.

22. Call him Professor Grandmum.

23. Stuff Fubberworms down his pants.

24. Flirt with him if your a boy, be disgusted by him if your a girl.

25. Announce during class that you can see a pimple on his nose.

26. Ask him if he was a Hufflepuff during his schooldays, because that would explain a lot.

27. When you see him yell; "AHHH! Sir! SIR! AAHHH!"

Lockhart: "WHAT? WHAAATTT?"

You: "Hi" XD

28. Pierce where you can. (Not Down There! Please not down there)

29. Whenever he gives you a test/pop quiz answer every question with "You're a Barbie Girl"

30. When he gives you back the test... It's AQUA time.

31. Give him one of Aaragog's babies.

32. Tell him Peeves is his new roommate.

33. Shave his legs while... Oh they already are, never mind then! XD

34. Change the title of 'Break with a Banshee' to a 'Banging a Banshee'

35. Change the title of 'Gadding with a ghoul' to 'Gadding with guys'. XD

36. Change the title of 'Holidays with Hags' to 'Holidays without Harry'

37. Change the title of 'Magical Me' into 'Faggtastical Me'

38. Change the title of 'Travels with Trolls' into 'Travels in search of Trannies'

39. Change the title of 'Voyages with a Vampire' into 'Voyages with a Vampire' (Check out the meaning on Urban Dictionary.) XD

40. Change the title of 'Wandering with Werewolves' to 'Wippings with Wizards'

41. Change the title of 'Year with the Yeti' to 'Year under the Yeti'

42. Change the title of 'Gildory Lockharts Guide to Household Pests' to 'Gildory Lockharts Guide to Seducing a Wizard' (now with 100 extra special pictures of the Author (; )

43. Change the title of 'Who am I?' into 'Why am I?'

44. Steal his Bejazzled peacock quill.

45. Tie him up to the Whomping Willow.

46. Slap him with 'Faggtastical Me' and demand for a refund.

47. Tell him the reason why his penis is so small is because he is actually a girl.

48. Give him testosterone pills so he starts to have some semblance to a man.

49. Ask him for a signed autograph. When he gives you one run away screaming "Oi! Guys, I got what we need for the voodoo doll!'

50. Tattoo 'Most Daft Ravenclaw' across his forehead.

51. Burn his fanmail, when he starts crying, tell him you were cold.

52. Ditch him with the Acromantulas'

53. Film him as he trys to escape the Acromantulas', play the movie in te great hall that night!

54. Walk up to him during dinner and tell him his pimp needs him, point to Filch.

55. Don't give him any cookies.

56. Make him babysit Fluffy.

57. Make him babysit Salazar's basilisk.

58. Make him babysit you.

59. Make him babysit Dumbledore.

60. Make him babysit Snape.

61. Break all his mirrors.

62. Steal all his make-up.

63. Give him a charmed mirror that says 'Your not the prettiest of them all' every time he looks into the mirror.

64. Walk like him. Talk like him. Be him. And do it Better.

65. Ask him if his teeth are fake.

66. Eat his cloak, while he's still wearing it, but use a fork first. (Your probably going to go to St. Mungo's but it'll be worth it!)

67. {Girls Only} Spend a Girls Night with him, while giving each other make-overs and singing and dancing on ABBA... He is the Dancing Queer... Err I mean Queen! Of course take photos/muggle videos of the whole event and show them to everyone.

68. {Boys Only} step 1. Take him to a strip club, step 2. get him drunk, step 3. Take photos of him getting slapped in the face by women. Step 4. Laugh your head off as you show the pictures to everyone!

69. Sell him to an old lonely muggle woman, she love him and raise him as the daughter she never had.

70. Tell him his Valentine day's decorations sucked!

71. Bet against him as Snape and him are dueling.

72. Ask him if he wants to play Seeker and make sure the entire school is there to see it.

73. Paste Mr. Harry (Booboo) Bear on his shoulders in a cuddling position.

74. Take a picture of it and send it to all the Hogwarts Professors for Christmas. (Snapes first Happy Christmas!)

75. Send notes to every Lockhart fan that they are all invited to his chambers XD

76. When he walks by say loudly to your friends that he is the prettiest GIRL you've ever seen.

77. Steal his stash of beautifying potions and see how ugly he really is (this may take some time to work).

78. Pretend to be a werewolf and sneak into his chamber at night.

79. Give him some of Hagrid's treacle tart, that will shut him up. XD

80. Tell him the Heir of Slytherin is looking for him.

81. Tell him that the entrance to the chamber of secrets is in his wardrobe, an that the safest place for him is in Mcgonagalls bed chambers.

82. Introduce him to Bellatrix Lestrange

83. Introduce him to Auntie Muriel, the bit h of all bitches.

84. Lock him up with an Spynx.

85. Lock him up with an angry Hippogryff.

86. Lock him up with Aragog.

87. Drag him through town and tell everyone he's your little sister.

88. Sign him up for the Army.

89. Make him watch chuckie and then hex an old doll to follow him around.

90. Give him a hug. (While casting a sticking charm on a piece of paper that reads 'Worlds No. 1 Git' to his back)

91. Remove the bones from HIS arm. "Skelegrow. Sir?"

92. Ask Fawkes to drop him back off in the Chamber of Secrets.

93. Send him Howlers during his stay at St. Mungo's.

94. Give him a cage of Cornish Pixies for his birthday

95. Give him a Mohawk

96. Through him a surprise party with all the people he memory-wiped

97. Whisper to your friends "That's the guy who erased his own memory" (loudly)

98. Hire Collin Creevey as his personal paparazzi

99. Repeatedly point out that he's no longer at the top of the best seller list

And here's number 100... Come up to him with a copy of Magical Me and ask him if he know what happened to the idiot that wrote it.

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><p>I hope that put a smile on your face this holidays and Remember leave a character that you want me todo this for and I will dedicate it to you. :)<p> 


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